


death by a thousand cuts.

by jigglejun



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Dong Sicheng - Freeform, F/F, Hendery - Freeform, M/M, NCT Dream - Freeform, Qian Kun - Freeform, WayV - Freeform, Xiaodery, Xiaojun - Freeform, cpop - Freeform, guenhang, henxiao, kpop, kun - Freeform, ncity, nct - Freeform, nctzen - Freeform, sicheng - Freeform, ten - Freeform, weishen v - Freeform, winwin - Freeform, xiao dejun - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2020-12-14 21:16:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21022391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jigglejun/pseuds/jigglejun
Summary: saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts flashbacks waking me up, i get drunk, but it's not enough cause the morning comes and you're not my baby...





	1. one.

**Author's Note:**

> this is a story based on the song death by a thousand cuts by taylor swift and the netflix movie someone great. so if there's any similarity, it is well-intended and i by no means meant to plagiarize the original ideas.
> 
> ps: everything in italic are either flashbacks or small text messages.
> 
> tw: mentions of drug abuse and alcoholism, and also mentions of disability so I'd like to point out that I am not disabled; that I am only writing from a center I imagined, not one I experienced. so if you feel uncomfortable or offended by my work please don't hesitate to dm me on twitter.

When Xiaojun thinks about his 31years of living, the most part that still aches in his heart is not the passing of his father nor the loss of his puppy, and it was neither getting rejected from his dream scholarship. Yet, it was the day Hendery broke up with him. It was 7 years ago, yet he can still remember it very vividly. He can remember those 7 years very clearly. He went through hell and still, the mention of Hendery’s name hurts him in places he didn’t know possibly could. So to see him standing in front of him now only made him quiver and shake. 

“It’s been a long time, Xiaojun.” Words came out like water faucet from his mouth which Xiaojun couldn’t stop staring at. Those lips, which once he used to call them his, the lips he forgot how many times he kissed. It hurts to see them again, it hurts to see him again. 

Xiaojun swallowed hard as though there was a lump in his throat and tried to look at the kid Hendery was holding. “I-I didn’t know you still lived here.” 

“Never left to begin with.” Hendery smiled, only reminding Xiaojun of why they broke up. He suddenly remembered how happy he was when he got the letter of acceptance into a Master's Degree in Seoul. It wasn’t his first choice but it was a good one. So, he was very excited to go back home and celebrate with his boyfriend. His 8 long years boyfriend. 

Xiaojun could even remember the facial expression of Hendery’s face when he saw the letter. He was expecting more than a ‘Congratulations’, he was expecting enthusiasm. But that’s all Hendery gave him. 

Xiaojun shook his head to get rid of his thoughts and smiled at the little girl. “Is this your kid?” it hurt to say it. To imagine that Hendery had a kid with someone other than him. _He remembered that night when Hendery was passed out drunk on the living room couch, reciting different baby names. _

_“No, I’m not naming my kid Fanta!” Xiaojun giggled as he placed another peck on Hendery’s mouth to shut him up. But when he was about to talk again, Xiaojun stopped him. “And no comic books names please.”_

Hendery smirked and then answered. “I’m not married, Jun.” Xiaojun’s heart almost jumped out of his ribcage at the mention of his nickname. Hendery was the only one who called him that. He hasn’t heard it in years. And it bothered him that it made him feel weak again. 

“This is Nini, she’s Crystal’s daughter,” Hendery spoke and Xiaojun didn’t know why but he was relieved and it was obvious because Hendery noticed which made him more confident about what he was about to do. “Listen, it’s been a while. Let’s grab a coffee! My treat.” 

Xiaojun was confused, to say the least, what was Hendery doing? Did he expect him to accept? After all, what happened? 

_“You could be happier for me you know?” Xiaojun hugged his boyfriend from the back. “It isn’t Stanford, but it’s a good one.” Hendery turned to him and cupped his face. _

_“Why do you want to leave so badly?” _

_“I-I don’t have anyone here but you. We can go together, start a new life. Like we always talked about?” _

_“We never talked about moving to another country.” Hendery shrugged and started moving the living room. Xiaojun followed slowly. _

_“What do you mean?” Xiaojun voiced came out choked out because he was holding back his tears. Hendery noticed so he put his coffee cup down and walked to his boyfriend. But Xiaojun stepped back. “You’re not coming with me?”_

_“Jun… I just don’t think, leaving Shanghai is the best thing for me right now. My job is finally going well here for me, and you know how my family is. I just, I can’t leave!” Hendery tried to slowly explain but tears were already streaming down Xiaojun’s face._

_“I’m supposed to be your family. Wherever you go, I go. Remember?” Xiaojun felt like a thousand knives were tearing his heart._

_“Look, baby... Why don’t you just stay here? I’ll look after you. I swear you don’t have to work a day. I know my job right now isn’t paying much but two, three years and we’ll be well off.” Hendery tried holding his boyfriend, but what he didn’t realize is that with every word he said he only made things worse. _

_“You know damn well how much I want to leave,” Xiaojun whispered as he swiped his tears away. _

_“We will baby, we will! Just not right now.” Hendery again tried to hold him only to be met with a shaking Xiaojun and failure. _

_“When? Fucking when Guangheng? When we’re 60? when you’re finally an established interior designer and I’m the wife you come home to every day?” He finally snapped and it’s only then that Hendery realized the gravity of the situation. “I’m going, there’s nothing you can do to stop me. If you come with me I’d be more than happy but if you don’t…” Xiaojun didn’t get to finish his sentence because he saw a tear on Hendery’s rosy cheeks. And he realized what his boyfriend was about to say. _

_“I never imagined I would be the one to do this..” He spoke slowly. “If you’re there and I’m here, what does this make us?” _

_“No.. don’t say it..” Xiaojun pleaded shaking. “You have to come with me. I will study and work at the same time, I-I will help you I swear.” _

_Hendery smiled as tears covered his vision and then finally hugged Xiaojun. “I love you so much.” _

_Xiaojun pushed him away after he realized what’s happening and screamed. “No you don’t, if you did you would’ve come with me.” He grabbed his coat and left out the door. _

That was the last time he saw Hendery. 

“Hello? Earth to Xiaojun?” Hendery waved his hands in front of him. 

“What?” Xiaojun was so deep in his memories that he didn’t even remember what Hendery said. 

“You and me? A cup of coffee? Today? After you finish work of course?” Hendery was so confident that a no was the last thing he expected. Yet, a no was all he got. 

“No, I can’t!” Xiaojun answered with a straight face and then turned to the little girl and smiled. “Come on Nini, class is almost starting let’s go!” He grabbed her tiny hand and went into the classroom as Hendery stood there still wondering what the fuck happened. 

Hendery left the school grounds as soon as he came to his senses which took him two minutes. The last person, he imagined running into here was Xiaojun. Actually, he was very curious about why he was back in Shanghai. He was very clear when he left that he wasn’t coming back. So why was he back? 

He knew only one person could answer him on that.

As soon as he got in the car, he dialed his number quickly and waited for a few seconds. 

“What do you want?” The voice came out all grumpy and loud. 

“Good morning to you too ge.” Hendery laughed. “How are you?” 

“You called to ask how I am?” He answered. “This is suspicious.” 

“Do you want me to be honest, Kun-ge?” Hendery gnawed on his lower lip as he started the car and drove off to his office. 

“Yes please do enlighten me.” He could almost hear his ge eyeroll. He met Kun through Xiaojun, in freshman year in college. He was the president of the music club Xiaojun was in. Hendery suddenly smiled at the flashing images of his ex playing the guitar.

“I ran into Xiaojun just now.” Hendery finally announced. He didn’t know why, but he felt guilty all of a sudden. He didn’t realize it until he was getting farther away from the school. He really did hurt Xiaojun. 

“About time,” Kun added.

“Why didn’t you tell me he was back in Shanghai, I literally saw you three days ago?” Hendery’s voice came out all shaky. He wanted to punch himself so bad. He knew he fucked up, the moment he decided to break up with Xiaojun. They could’ve maintained a long-distance relationship, they could’ve worked it out. Why didn’t they?

“And what if I told you? What were you going to do about it?” Kun asked but wasn’t waiting for an answer so he immediately proceeded. “Guangheng, leave him be. It was only recently that he was able to move on and meet new people. Don’t put him in that mess again.” 

“But I still love him..” A tear suddenly slipped out of his eyes but he wiped it away immediately. The breakup wasn’t easy on him either, especially since he was planning on proposing until Xiaojun told him about moving away. Hendery was very much the type of family guy. He had his mother, father and three sisters here. And even though he loved Xiaojun very dearly. He couldn’t abandon them.

“If you really do, let him be.” Kun “When you both broke up. You were too busy with your new job to focus on your emotions and you didn’t break down that much but for Xiaojun it was hard, really hard. He was alone in a new country so don’t put him into that situation again.” 

“Can’t you at least tell me why is he back? I thought he said he never wanted to come back.” Hendery sniffed and Kun could tell he was crying. He knew him too well. Nothing made Hendery weak other than Xiaojun. 

They were both each other’s weaknesses and strengths.

“Gosh, I am not supposed to be telling you this. But, his brother is very sick so he is taking care of him.” Kun blurted out. It came out a bit forced but he didn’t care. Hendery needed to know, and he especially needed to stay away.

“Yangyang?” Hendery questioned. Xiaojun and his brother didn’t get along at all. In fact, they spent years not talking to each other. It had to do with over competitiveness and Yangyang being a bit of an asshole. 

“Listen, I’m only telling you this so you can stay away from him. He has been going through hell since you guys broke up. He doesn’t need it, especially not now.” Kun explained knowing damn well that whatever he is going to say. Hendery will still do whatever he wants. 

\--------------

After a long day of bickering and fervent kids running around, Xiaojun finally collapsed on his living room couch next to his brother.

“Long day huh?” Yangyang nudged him and then handed him the cup of tea he was drinking. “It’s chamomile, it will relax you.”

Xiaojun sat up and then took it willingly. He then turned to his brother and touched his forehead checking for fever. “Did you take your pills?” 

The younger one groaned rolling his eyes which only got him glares from his older brother. “Yes, sir all seven of them.” Xiaojun finally smiled and ruffled his hair. 

“Good boy!” As he was getting up, Yangyang looked at him a little bit concerned because there was a hint of sadness in his eyes he never saw before. 

“You okay Xiaojun?” he asked which stopped him midway. 

He nodded and gave him another wide smile. “Totally, just let me wash up and I will make you dinner.” As he continued on his way to his room. 

“Kun called!” Yangyang blurted out which made his older brother retreat his steps and go back to the living room. “He says he is coming for dinner.”  
Xiaojun tried so hard not to look like he knew what this is about. “D-did he say why?” He has never mentioned Hendery to his younger brother and he meant to keep it that way for now. He didn’t want him to feel bad for him or pity him.

Yangyang shook his head and took another sip of his drink. “No, he just said he is coming with Sicheng-ge.” 

Xiaojun knew definitely that this isn’t going to be a regular dinner. His smile turned into a straight line and added unenthusiastically. “Great!” 

When Sicheng and Kun came over, Xiaojun was so invested in dinner that he didn’t even hear the doorbell. It was only when Yangyang was calling him, that he realized he was so deep in his memories that he cut the cabbage too thin. He put the knife down and walked to the door. 

“Sorry, I couldn’t reach for my chair.” Yangyang apologized as Xiaojun passed by him in the living room.

“It’s okay baby, you just sit tight!” His older brother threw him a kiss as he reached for the door to open it. 

Behind it, were both his long-time best friends. He met them during freshman year. Sicheng was a teaching major, just like him while Kun was an upperclassman. 

“Just in time, dinner is almost ready!” Xiaojun beamed as he took the wine bottle from his friend. “Oh my god, just my favorite. Thank you, guys!”

“See? I told you he is going to like it.” Sicheng popped his tongue out to Kun as the older guy rolled his eyes laughing. Both guys headed to the couch to say hey to Yangyang who was so immersed in the TV. 

“What are you watching there buddy?” Kun asked ruffling his hair as he tried to look annoyed but he secretly enjoyed it. 

Yangyang hasn’t fully adjusted to having many people around especially after his accident. It was hard enough for him to get used to Xiaojun who he hasn’t seen in years. But he had to bear with him because he was the only person he had. But he liked Kun and Sicheng, they were fun to be around and they saw past his disability. Or at least that’s what he has told Xiaojun.

After having a nice dinner, Yangyang was already asleep and the three friends were sipping red wine in the living with tension thick atmosphere.

“If you guys want to ask something. Just ask!” Xiaojun snapped, not realizing he seemed harsher than usual. He knew his friends didn’t come over to have dinner and sip red wine while watching desperate housewives.

Kun glanced at Sicheng and then looked up. “Hendery called me today…” He was waiting for a response but when Xiaojun didn’t answer, he continued. “He said he ran into you.” 

Silence swept over the apartment, so Sicheng spoke. “You okay baby?” He even noticed how glossy his friend's eyes have become.  
“I-i thought I was over him.” Xiaojun titled his head back to not let tears fall out. “Gosh, it hurts.” 

Sicheng suddenly threw himself on his friend and hugged him tightly while Kun just held his hand. “I can’t keep on doing this anymore.” 

“I told him to stay away from you if it’s any consolation,” Kun announced. Xiaojun was now crying and not trying to hide it. 

_It has only been a week since they broke up. And Xiaojun has been drinking the night after the other. He hasn’t been sober for a whole week. He hasn’t held Hendery in a whole week. He hasn’t kissed him in a week. _

_It still hurts when he is drunk, but it hurts even worse when he is sober. Because he is no longer his baby. There was no him without Hendery. It’s been 8 long years. How is he supposed to be okay? How is this supposed to be okay? _

_Xiaojun was spending his last days in Shanghai over at Kun’s. And he was worried about him. He didn’t leave his bed, and he refused to consume anything other than alcohol. It was like seeing him slowly die. He didn’t want him to see him die. Not yet. _

_It was a cold Monday when he woke him up and sat him up. He splashed cold water on his face for him to fully wake up and then handed him his now usual Advil pill. _

_“You can’t go on like this Xiaojun.”_

_“I want it to stop hurting. This is the only way I know how.” Xiaojun said in the most depression voice Kun has ever heard which made him tear up. He was lost, as lost as Xiaojun. His friend was suffering in front of him and he was helpless. He wanted to help him, he just wasn’t sure how to erase 8 years out of someone’s life._

After both Kun and Sicheng left, Xiaojun cleaned up everything and went to check on his brother. Ever since his accident, he has been all he cared about. He didn’t care that they used to hate each other, he just remembered the feeling he got when they called him telling him that Yangyang has been in an accident and they were looking for his relatives. But he didn’t have relatives. He only had Xiaojun. That’s it. 

Xiaojun could’ve sworn back then, that he hated Yangyang. But as soon as he heard the news, his heart fell to his knees. He was scared he lost him. But, when he made it out alive. He promised himself he was never going to leave him alone ever again. 

He took a glance at his little brother as he was laying on his huge bed. The blanket didn’t cover him that well, what a slugger, Xiaojun thought as he walked in to cover him. 

Yangyang slowly opened his eyes and held his brother’s arm softly. “Sleep with me tonight?” Xiaojun smiled and nodded right away. He snuggled next to his brother for warmth. 

Xiaojun kept running his fingers through his brother’s soft hair. He loved him. It took almost losing him for him to realize that. But he loved him. He was the only family he had, especially after Hendery broke up with him. 

“Xiaojun, you are okay right?” a soft voice suddenly found its way to the older guy’s ear. He knew damn well if he is going to look at his younger brother. He was going to cry. He promised he would never cry in front of him. 

“Of course I am.” He said cheerily. “Why are you asking?” 

“I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, I swear,” Yangyang spoke so apologetically. “You guys were just talking too loud.”

When Xiaojun didn't answer, Yangyang took it as a sign that he should continue but he was hesitant. He felt he was getting closer to his older brother, but would he hide something from him? Xiaojun by now knew all his friends, exes and secrets. And Yangyang thought that he did know everything there is to know too. But he was obviously hiding something.

"Who is Hendery?" 

"He is my ex." Xiaojun simply answered not giving any more details. He knew if he was going to say anything else, all the images he was repressing from this morning are going to come back up. But Yangyang didn't know that. 

"Is he the one you dated in High School?" Yangyang asked and he suddenly felt his brother move his position to sit up. Xiaojun suddenly opened the light and his younger brother noticed how red his eyes were. "I-I... Are you crying?" 

"He broke up with me before I left for Seoul." Xiaojun's words sounded more like a plea for help than a confession. Yangyang sat up and wait for his brother to continue talking. "We were together for 8 years. He...he was my everything. I didn't imagine my life without him because I thought it would never happen."

"He broke up with you because you were moving to Seoul? is that why?" Yangyang asked but he immediately regretted it when he saw Xiaojun wince. “Liste, I'm sorry. We don’t have to talk about it.” 

“It’s just...I went through hell to forget him. And I thought I did. I even started taking a liking into new people, like the cute math teacher at my school. I told you about him, didn't I?” Xiaojun was talking very fast and he was pacing around the room. Yangyang could tell he was freaking out so for the first time in a long time he yelled.

“XIAOJUN!” 

The older boy stopped in his place and refused to look at his brother. He was a mess, an ugly mess. He wanted to be a role model for Yangyang. But he was just a mess. “Come hold my hand.” His brother spook again and he slowly walked towards him to do so. 

His hand was bigger than his even though he was older. But they were very warm and soft. And felt like home. He smiled as soon as they intertwined fingers. “Does this make you feel better?” 

Xiaojun sniffed and nodded. “I’m sorry.” 

“You have nothing to apologize for. You were freaking out.” Yangyang announced. “Because you still love him, and you are scared.” 

“I don’t want to hurt again,” Xiaojun confessed so pitifully that Yangyang could almost feel his heart break in two at the sight of his always put together happy brother.

_The first day in Seoul was a mess. Xiaojun’s roommate was a Thai guy called Ten. He was very handsome thats for sure, he was also nice and gentle and he could tell there was something wrong with his new roommate._

_“After setting up the place, we can go out for dinner together if you want?” The black-haired boy spoke while he was cleaning the kitchen counters._

_Xiaojun looked hesitant, but he didn't want to seem rude. “Why don’t we just order here? I don’t feel like going out.” He didn't even look at his new roommate once, he just kept rummaging through the only box he brought with him from Shanghai._

_“How are we supposed to explore the city if we don’t get out?” Ten said jokingly but as he turned towards Xiaojun. He was holding a picture frame with tears streaming down his face like a faucet. _

_He ran towards him to check if he was okay. “Xiaojun, are you okay?” But he didn’t respond, he just kept at the picture and crying without any sound. It didn’t take a genius to figure it out, so Ten slowly removed the picture frame from his hand and hugged him. _

_“Shhh…” He patted his back and ran his fingers through his hair as he continued crying. “It’s okay baby! It will be okay, maybe not now... But eventually, it will. I promise you.” _

_That night, Ten went out and bought too much alcohol and Chinese takeouts. This only made Xiaojun cry because apperantly Jajangmyeon was his ex’s favorite. _

_They spent the night getting drunk and watching dirty dancing on repeat until they both fell asleep. The next morning was full of deep talks and headaches neither of them appreciated. _

_For Ten, it was inevitable. He hated Hendery and he wanted to punch him, even though he never met him. For Xiaojun, it was inevitable that drinking was going to be his only remedy._

When Xiaojun woke up the next day, his head felt heavy from how much he cried. It’s been a while since he cried like this. He was supposed to have moved on. So why did the image of Hendery still made his heart beat so fast? Why did he dream of kissing him again last night? Why does he still occupy his thoughts? 

He groaned and slowly looked to his side to see Yangyang slowly opening his eyes. “Good morning!” he whispered. He ruffled his hair and jumped out of the bed to start the day. 

Xiaojun was contemplating going to work, but he had to. He liked his job, he loved those kids no matter how rowdy they can get. But he was afraid of running into Hendery again. 

“What are you doing today?” Xiaojun asked his brother as he poured coffee into his cup. Yangyang was looking extra cute today, and he guessed that maybe he had his reasons. I mean it’s not every day you see him looking in the mirror for ten minutes straight. 

Yangyang stuffed his mouth with bread and spoke something inaudible making his older brother glared at him so he swallowed slowly and spoke again. “R-renjun is coming over and then we’re going out together.” He stuttered. 

Xiaojun smirked. They’ve only been dating for a few months but he could already tell the changes in Yangyang. He was now happier, healthier and more enthusiastic. They knew each other from college and he was the one who called Xiaojun when his brother had his accident. He was there through it all and he appreciated having him around when Yangyang still refused to meet his brother. He was happy Renjun was looking out for him. It reminded him of Hendery. 

His smile slowly disappeared and Yangyang noticed. So he snapped his finger and spoke again. “Want to go out and have dinner with us? You know Renjun likes you.” 

Xiaojun giggled and took the last sip of coffee before getting up. “No, you go and enjoy your day. I will be alright!” He ruffled his baby brother hair one last time and headed out. 

Luckily for him today, when he entered the classroom he found Nini already sitting down her seat drawing something. He didn’t know why but he felt a kind of tug in his chest, a kind of tug that made him feel a bit disappointed that he didn’t see Hendery. 

‘no not this again xiao dejun!” He mentally screamed in his head. He locked his heart a long time ago, he was going to open it now for the one who already broke it. He’d only be a fool. 

He grabbed his phone and texted his Thai friend, the only one who knew all his struggles and how to solve them. 

_‘To: Ten  
I’m going to call you tonight. Be there!’_

As soon as he put his phone away, a knock on the door of the class interrupted him. When he looked over, he saw the cute math teacher; Huang Xuxi waiting for him in the hallways. He smiled weakly at him and then walked towards him. 

“Good morning Mr. Huang!” Xiaojun greeted beamily. The man was so attractive yet it never made him nervous. He suddenly remembered how nervous he was when he met Hendery.

“I told you to stop calling me that. It’s just Xuxi for you.” He smirked at him. Damn, the man was really built like a Greek god, yet no matter how hard he tried to stop thinking about it. Hendery’s image kept popping all over his head. 

“Okay then just Xuxi, how can I help you?” Xiaojun leaned against the door frame smiling. He was never really close with any of his coworkers, maybe because they were all 60 years old or older. There was nothing much apart from greetings and awkward smiles. Until Xuxi started working a few months ago. They were both the same age. Even though, he looked way older. It felt nice to have someone like him around. He was very energetic and wanted to do many things. It was nice for a change. 

“Well, I volunteered to take care of the talent show.” He scratched his head and looked down at the papers in his hands. “But apperantly there’s a lot to do and I might need help.” 

“You want me to help with a talent show? The guy who doesn’t even attend teachers' weekly meetings?” Xiaojun laughed. He didn’t skip those meetings because he hated them, well he did, but that’s not why he skipped them. It was mostly because he found them inutile and boring. It was literally a bunch of old teachers gossiping about elementary and middle school kids. 

“Yes, please.” Xuxi pleaded and then handed him a paper. “I swear it’s just the easy stuff, I will do all the rest myself.” 

Suddenly an idea popped into Xiaojun’s head. He didn’t know its source and he didn’t know whether it was a good one or a bad one. But it was the perfect one for the time being. 

“Okay! I will help you…” Xiaojun took the whole file from his coworker’s hand and smirked. “But you have to go on a date with me in return.” 

Xuxi closed his eyes and cursed under his breath. “Dammit! I wanted to be the one to do it.” 

Xiaojun laughed pushig his shoulder lightly. “You gave me quite the scare there.” He had the unsettling feeling that he didn’t do the right thing but he needed to do it nonetheless. He had to try for him to say that he failed. 

After school ended, Xiaojun was walking in the empty parking lot carrying a pile of papers. He always liked to take his students’ work home and enjoy them at the comfort of his couch. They were all such a talented bunch. They never ceased to amaze him. His job was like watching a miracle come to like to him. 

He was suddenly stopped as soon as he got to his car and dropped his pile of paper. He was startled but when he heard the soft familiar voice he used to love. Unwillingly, a feeling of warmth and safety found a place in the pit of his stomach. 

“Are you fucking crazy?” Xiaojun looked at him. “Who walks on someone this quietly in an empty parking garage? You scared the living shit out of me Guangheng!” 

Instead of apologizing or saying anything, Hendery kept trying so hard to hold back his laughter. Another fuzzy feeling ran through Xiaojun’s body and he didn’t want it to. 

“You still look cute when you’re angry!” Hendery finally spoke after their five minutes starring competition. “How are you Junnie?” 

Xiaojun rolled his eyes and bent down to pick the papers he dropped, Hendery joined him immediately. And when he didn't get any response from him, he continued. “I wanted to talk to you. But I didn’t know how to reach you.”

He suddenly groaned and threw the papers in the backseat of the car. “I’m really busy, Hendery.” As he was about to open the driver seat door. He grabbed him by the forearm and added.

“I miss you. You don’t know what I've been through while you away.” He slowly said as he examined his ex-boyfriend’s face. It had a little more lines than he remembered it. It was probably from all the frowning he did. 

“Now this is where you’re wrong.” Xiaojun suddenly smiled. Not because he was happy, but because this is his way of holding back the tears. “I’ve been through hell and back. While you, you worked your sadness away. You gave up so easily on me, it made me wonder if you ever loved me at all.”

“Jun, don’t say that!” Hendery stopped. “I never loved anyone as much as I loved you. As much as I still love you.” 

“Really? Did you use alcohol and drugs to try to forget your ex-boyfriend who didn't bother even checking on you while you were in a foreign country you didn't know anyone in? Did you overdose and thought you were dying as you called out his name?” Xiaojun cried out and regretted it as soon as the words came out of his mouth. 

He promised he was never going to tell anyone about his life in Seoul, especially not Hendery. The first year was a very hard one on him. It got to the point where he was addicted to every substance including Hendery. He just felt sick. And if it wasn’t for Ten, he probably would’ve never made it out alive. 

“Xiaojun…” Hendery spoke out after a few minutes of complete silence. 

“Just leave me alone, okay?” Xiaojun opened his car and got in. He wiped his tears quickly and then turned to Hendery. “I was doing alright while you were away. Can’t you do me the curtsey and just let me be?” 

And after that, he drove off away so fast leaving Hendery standing there in complete and utter shock. To say, he was shocked was an understatement even.

It suddenly hit him how much he fucked up. Not once did he call to check on the one person he promised he loved. Not once did he even bother to ask his friends about what he was doing all alone in a new country. He fucked up. 

Their breakup wasn’t easy on him too, but he barely got to live it because he buried himself in his job. He never got a chance to actually feel the empty gap Xiaojun left. He was working a 7 to a 10 job. He never got weekends off. He barely saw his friends anymore, and if it wasn’t for his sisters he probably would’ve forgotten to eat and shower. 

He always thought he had it worse, until now. He didn’t know how much pain he has put Xiaojun in. How much pain he has put himself in until now. He didn't know how much Xiaojun really need him. And how much he needed him in return. 

He fucked up, and he needed to make it right. 

When Xiaojun got back home, the whole place smelled like freshly baked cookies and coffee. He smiled immediately knowing that that Renjun was still probably around. He walked into the kitchen to find the two younger boys laughing and making heart-shaped cookies. 

“Hello, boys!” Xiaojun chirped and leaned against the door frame smiling at how happy Yangyang looked. It’s weird how his little brother and his boyfriend reminded him so much of him and Hendery in their early days. 

_“I fucking told you you’re not supposed to add so much salt.” Xiaojun laughed as he took another bite of the cookies Hendery freshly pulled out of the oven. _

_“The instructions clearly said to add one tablespoon of salt.” Hendery pulled out his phone to check out again. “And just to be sure I added two. You never know.” _

_Xiaojun spat out the salty chocolate chip cookie and looked at his boyfriend wide-eyed. “TWO TABLESPOONS OF SALT?” _

_“Well yeah, just to be sure.” He shrugged. “Come on, it can’t be that bad.” He grabbed the one Xiaojun just took a bite of and the taste immediately hit his tongue. But for the sake of his pride, he decided to just smile and fake it. _

_“You’re so trying to hold it in.” Xiaojun titled his head laughing. It was obvious from his face that it was salty. Hendery was always so picky with his food. That’s why he only ate food Xiaojun or his mum made. _

_When he couldn’t swallow them, no matter how hard he tried. He turned quickly to the sink and spit them out washing his tongue over and over again as Xiaojun’s laugh kept ringing in his ear._

_When he turned to him, he was still laughing but stopped when he saw how sulky his boyfriend was. “Oh baby... “ He walked towards him and placed a kiss on his lips. _

_“I hate you.” Hendery spat out. He didn’t, he really didn’t. In fact, at this point in time and space, he was completely and utterly in love with him. _

_Xiaojun stroked his hair and then cupped his face. “No, you don’t.” And kissed him again, this time more passionately. As his sulky expression turned into a warm smile and then a smirk. He knew he was head over heels for this boy._

After a small chit chat with bothe younger boys, Xiaojun decided to go to his room call Ten and then call it a night.  
“There’s dinner leftover in the fridge, but if you guy want to order something else that’s totally okay. Just nothing spicy. Because Yangyang will say he can handle it but he really can’t.” Xiaojun pointed out as his brother glared at him and Renjun giggled. 

As he started getting up, Yangyang called out. “Xiaojun, you okay?” 

“Don’t worry baby, I will be alright.” he smiled again and then left to his room. And as he was finally settling on his bed, a message popped on his phone.

_‘From: Ten.  
Waiting for you x’_

As he pressed the dial button, he thought about how much he has missed his friend. It’s almost been two years since he has gotten back to China. Almost two years since his last hug with Ten. He smiled at the warm fuzzy feeling he remembered.

“Fucking finally, asshole!” A blond guy suddenly popped from the screen and Xiaojun almost screamed. Ten has been nothing but black-haired ever since he has met him. 

“Oh my god, your hair!” Xiaojun gapped as his friend ruffled his hair and smirked. He looked so good, he looked even better than that time he let his hair grow. 

“Do you like it? Our studio is having a concert soon, so I thought of doing this for a change!” Ten explained still checking his hair on the screen. 

“You look so good baby!” He exclaimed as he stared in awe. Ten was the type of person who did whatever he wanted not caring what the consequences are going to be. Xiaojun wished he could be like him. To not care at all. But he was never able to afford a life that luxurious. 

“And you don’t.” Ten commented. “You look really bad baby, what’s wrong? I haven’t seen you like this since…” he stopped midway and then gapped. Xiaojun slowly nodded sighing. “You ran into him, didn’t you?” 

“We knew it was inevitable right? It was going to happen sooner or later.” He gnawed on his lower lip as he tried to avoid Ten’s pitiful gaze. He was getting sick and tired of being treated like he was weak. But right now, Ten was the only one who could understand him. 

Because he was the only one who witnessed his alcoholism and drug abuse. He was the one who saved him from his overdose. He was the one who saw him through his worst and yet he stayed.

“How do you feel Xiaojun?” Ten suddenly asked and stopped abruptly. “You know what? I’m buying a ticket to Shanghai, I’m coming over tonight,” he said tapping furiously on his phone. 

“Shut up you idiot. You have your concert coming up, you need to practice.” He told his friend and then looked down. “I’ve been telling everyone how alright I am. But I am not. I am so not. Because even after all these years and all the pain I went through, I still love him. Even worse, I still need him. Ten, when he stood in front of me...my heart ached for him. Like it wanted to jump out of my ribcage and go be with his.” 

Ten watched his friend silently whimpered which only made him feel worse. Because of how helpless he was. He knew best by now that for Xiaojun to get out of this phase, he needed Hendery so he decided to intervene. 

After Xiajoun hung up and went to bed. Ten spent the rest of hid night looking up famous interior designers in Shanghai. It wasn’t a very hard thing to do since he knew what he looked like and his name. 

'Huang Guangheng'

Splattered on his screen and his finger hovered over the dial button. He didn’t know if he was doing the right thing or not. But all he knew was that he needed to help Xiaojun stop hurting. Maybe a fresh start with Hendery could help do just that? 

\-----------  
Hendery didn’t get a second of sleep last night after a certain guy’s phone call. He never knew about Ten. Nor did he knew what he was to Xiaojun. But their conversation last night left him with so many questions rather than answers. 

One thing he came out with for sure; He needed to get Xiaojun back.


	2. two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait but i literally was so busy with finals and my internship. BUT I AM BACK AGAIN.
> 
> probably gonna try and finish this au within the next few days so keep an eye out for that.
> 
> thanks for reading
> 
> ps: everything in italic are either flashbacks or small text messages.

The night Hendery received a call from Ten, was the hardest and longest night in his entire life. That includes the first time he had to sleep alone without Xiaojun. He spent the whole night tossing and turning, thinking about whether or not to proceed with Ten’s plan.

_“He needs you.” The voice who just introduced himself spoke through the phone. Hendery was too shocked, no he was more than shocked. Shocked was an understatement. _

_“He hates me.” He finally stated after he held back the tears from spilling. Hendery was weak, he always tried to come to terms with that. He was a very weak person, but he wasn’t going to show it to anyone or even admit it out loud. He was just weak. _

_“You’ve hurt him that’s true.” Ten added. He could feel that this was a sensitive subject for Hendery as well, and as much as he hated him and wanted to punch him for hurting his best friend, he still needed to cooperate with him for his good. “But he needs you, nothing will put him back together now but you. And as much as I hate to admit it. He still loves you very much. It’s just his pride is way stronger.” _

_Hendery didn’t say anything for a couple of minutes instead, he just kept thinking about what Xiaojun said that day in the parking lot. “What happened in Seoul?” Ten knew exactly what he wanted to know, but he wasn’t going to tell him that. It was not his place to tell. _

_“You don’t want to know.” _

_“Whatever happened there, it happened because of me. And I will never be able to forgive myself for hurting Jun. Even if he does.” Hendery was now sobbing, but he didn’t realize it because the feeling of guilt was eating him up._

He spent the whole night thinking about what he has to do to get Xiaojun to forgive him. He needed a plan, a good one. But first, he needed to apologize, and then apologize some more and then grovel. And maybe then, only then will Xiaojun be able to look at him in the eyes.

He was woken up from his deep thoughts with his phone ringing, he looked over his bed stand. And the name Crystal was splattered on his phone. He hesitated to answer. If anyone knew him better than himself, it was his sister.

He finally picked up and rubbed his eyes. “Good morning.”

Offbeat, she could tell something was wrong from the tone of his voice and how it was almost 7 am and he was still in bed. “What’s wrong?” She asked immediately.

“Nothing is wrong. I just slept in.” He lied. He didn’t want to make her worry, nor did he want to burden. She already had a lot on her plate. She didn’t need his problems as well to cater to.

“You never sleep in, Hendery,” Crystal added now even more worried. “Is work okay?”

“Oh my god. Everything is okay Crissy. I just had a lot of work last night and slept in today.” He explained but knowing her, he knew she wasn’t going to give up easily. So he needed to shut her up. “Why are you calling so early? Is Nini okay?”

“No, Nini is okay. We are okay.” She assured so he breathed a sigh of relief. He loved his nieces. All of them, but Nini had a special place in his heart. He didn’t want to admit but he did. He thought if he was ever going to have a kid, he’d want it to be as sweet, kind and smart as Nini.

“It’s just...I drove Nini to school yesterday and I wanted to meet her teacher. She’s been talking a lot about him lately. You know how hard it is for her to get along with anyone… and when she was talking so much about him. I thought I should meet him.” Crystal started talking rapidly like she was nervous about what’s about to come next.

“I saw Xiaojun..” She finally spat it out. “He is her teacher. I-I don’t… think he saw me.” She sighed and Hendery could feel her concern from across the phone. “I backed off immediately when I saw him in the class, I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable… or make him think I’m there because of you.”

She seemed like she was going to talk forever so Hendery stopped her. “I already saw him, Crystal.” There was a sudden silence from across the line like his sister didn’t expect him to say that. “When I dropped off Nini the other time, I met him.”

Crystal knew what Xiaojun meant to her brother, in fact, she was the one who helped him pick up the ring a week before they broke up. So she was worried when she saw her brother’s ex-boyfriend.

Their breakup wasn’t easy for Hendery, he went through hell. He got drunk every single night. And stumbled his way towards Crystal’s home because he didn’t want to face the memories of Xiaojun back home.

She knew that reuniting with me would put him in that circle all over again. Concerned and worried was an understatement. “A-are you okay? Do I need to come over? No no, you come over.” She talked rapidly again.

“I’m fine Crissy.” Hendery sighed and rolled out of bed. “I-i just didn’t realize how much I miss him.”

“D-did you get to talk to him?” She asked him wondering if it was the right time to pull old strings and open up old scars.

“He fucking hates me.” Her brother admitted. It hurts. The fact that he actually said those words out loud hurts. Never ever did he think, he and Xiaojun would get where they are now.

“No, he doesn’t,” Crystal reassured. “He could never.”

“Yes, he does.” Hendery teared up and immediately stopped the tears and started walking around his apartment to distract himself from crying his chest out. “I would’ve hated me too. Do you think I made the right choice when I didn’t leave with him?”

“Listen, tell me you believe the only reason you guys broke up was Xiaojun leaving?” She finally said after a small silence, she didn’t know whether she should tell him this or not. Hendery was shocked by the statement he didn’t know what to say. “You guys have been long fucked up before him leaving, you tried to fix it through the ring and proposal thing but let’s be honest. You guys went through everything together; highschool graduation, college, college graduation, internships, jobs and much more. You guys didn’t know a world outside of each other.”

“I didn’t want a world outside of Xiaojun.” He yelled, and with it came the tears. He didn’t want to cry but he had to. His unconscious was rebelling against him. It was the first time in a while that he yelled at his older sister. But he didn’t mean to. “I’m sorry Crissy.”

“I get it.” Her voice was soft and comforting, which made Hendery sit down back again and relax his tensed shoulders. “I get that you loved him, you probably always will. I have never seen anyone love someone as much as you loved him. But do you think crying and breaking down in your room will fix it?”

“What are you saying?” He finally wiped his tears and questioned.

“Remember that old saying mama used to say?” She said with a smile audible in her voice. Hendery let out a giggle, he hasn’t thought about his mother in a while. He missed her lavender smell and her soft touches. He missed her stroking his hair whenever she hugged him. He missed her.

“If you want something, go get it.” they both spoke in unison. And he let out a small laugh. “If you still love him, go get him. I really don’t think he could ever hate you. Just make sure to apologize and never stop apologizing.”

“Thank you Crissy.” Hendery finally breathed out after a small moment of him catching his breath. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” She giggled. “Now back to business, I need you to pick up some stuff for me. I’m having a dinner party tonight.” She ordered as he laughed knowing her, she will text him the list of stuff she needs anyway.

Xiaojun was running through the apartment gathering his stuff because he woke up late. He stopped when he saw Yangyang and Renjun cuddling up on the couch. He smiled at how soft and domestic they looked. And suddenly Hendery’s image ran through his mind.

_“Someday we’re going to live in a house like that.” Hendery pointed at the luxurious house on the TV as he cuddled up on the couch of their humble apartment. _

_“I don’t need a house like that baby, I just need you.” Xiaojun’s face nuzzled in the crooks of his neck. He was drunk, really drunk. But drunk Jun was fun. Hendery loved how cuddly he was. _

_“You’re so drunk.” Hendery kissed him on his lips slowly and then started leaving traces on his neck and jaw. “I love you.”_

‘What the hell are you thinking about Xiaojun?’ He lightly slapped himself. And started running again in fear of missing the bus. He didn’t have a car yet, but he was planning on getting one as soon as Yangyang’s treatment and therapy are done.

If he was honest, they weren’t doing well financially. But he never said anything to his little brother about it. Renjun offered so many times to help, but Xiaojun refused. He was only starting out in his job. He can’t just burden him.

On his way to school, Xiaojun was trying so fucking hard to get Hendery out of his mind. But he couldn’t, everything he saw reminded him of the guy he loved. The guy he loves.

He suddenly grabbed his phone and started typing furiously, he wasn’t thinking. He was acting on an impulse, which was by now a defense mechanism. He didn’t want to be hurt by Hendery again, so he decided to distract himself.

_‘To: Mr. Huang -Let me take you out for dinner tonight.’_

Xiaojun didn’t have to wait long for the reply, in fact, he got it immediately. He smiled when he got the confirmation, but there was an unsettling feeling in his chest. A feeling that he was doing the wrong thing, but he decided to ignore it anyway.

The day was unproductive, to say the least, Xiaojun didn’t do much apart from spending time with his students and sipping on his black coffee. All along the day, he couldn’t stop himself from taking glances at Nini; Hendery’s niece.

If he really thought about it, she looks a lot like him. As if she was his daughter. She had those big puppy-like eyes and that silky black hair. And her small perky nose gave it all away.

A knock on the door of his classroom distracted him from his thoughts. When he saw Mr. Huang peeking from the door, he forced a smile and straightened himself as he walked outside.

He walked with heavy steps because honestly, he was lying to himself. He was only going along with this in the hopes of forgetting Hendery. Which he should’ve known by now was something impossible.

“I wanted to pass by before I go home.” Mr. Huang smiled lightly as Xiaojun nodded. He was a teacher of a higher grade which meant he was only due in the first part of the day. He didn’t know what to say, he just stared into Lucas’s eyes as he rambled about his daily routine and what he had to do before he got home. He then stopped mid-sentence and asked him.

“We’re still on for tonight, Xiaojun right?”

Xiaojun just smiled again and nodded.

Lucas looked skeptic, for him, Xiaojun looked kind of off. He didn’t want to force himself, especially since he liked his colleague so much. “You sure? You look tired, we can do it another-”

“No, I’m fine,” Xiaojun spoke for the first time abruptly, his mind was in chaos. There was a million thing running through his mind and he didn’t know what the fuck is actually going on up there. “I’m just tired, but we’re definitely still on for tonight.”

“Okay, if you’re sure.” Lucas ruffled his hair, “I’ll pick you up tonight. Text me your address.”

The ending school bell couldn’t come sooner, Xiaojun looked terrible from all the thinking he was doing. It was even affecting his teaching and he didn’t know what to do. He just missed Hendery, he ached for him. But his pride wouldn’t allow him to admit it out loud.

As his students started running around when the bell rang across the school, he started packing his stuff and sorting out the mess the little rugrats made. The sound of high heels clicking through the classroom disrupted him and he looked up.

He almost choked when he saw Crystal Wong standing right there in front of him. She looked the same as ever, with her tiny slim figure and her big black eyes. The only thing that changed is that hair was now up in a bun. She never used to pull it up.

She looked like a real housewife. So elegant, yet so intimidating.

“Xiao Dejun.” She breathed out with a smile. He smiled at her as well, for him; Crystal was the one he liked the most. She was the only one who didn’t make him feel like he was walking on eggshells around her. He didn’t have to pretend in front of her, he was just him.

She opened her arms for him, and he didn’t hesitate to hug her. They hugged for a few seconds as they both reminisced on the last time they saw each other.

They took a step back shortly after and she ruffled his hair. “You look...different.” She commented and Xiaojun couldn’t help but feel that he was being judged. “Not in a bad way, Xiaojunnie.”

“I can’t say the same about you.” He examined her from head to toe. “You look exactly the same way. How are you?” He didn’t want to seem rude but he had a bus to catch and a date to get ready for and her being here didn’t help.

“I am not here to talk about me Xiaojun, and you already know that.” She smirked as she walked closer with steady steps. He winced at her words, he didn’t want to deal with her or her brother right now. He was trying to move on, and everybody was getting in the way. Maybe even himself.

“You have every right to hate him, I would’ve hated him if he did that to me.” She started talking showing no sign of stopping. “But he loves you, he never stopped. And I can tell you do too.”

“I don’t.” Xiaojun lied through his teeth. But he didn’t want to admit that he still ached for Hendery in front of his sister. No, he refused to. “If that’s all, I really need to go Crystal.” He started packing his bag but she stopped him by holding his arm.

“At least give him a chance to talk…” She whispered loud enough for him to hear. “You owe him that at least.” Xiaojun looked at her with teary eyes. Gosh, he was sick of crying.

She swiftly left after those two sentences. Two sentences that made him feel weird inside. Weirder than he has been feeling all these past days.

He and Hendery knew each other since middle school and dated all throughout high school, college and post-college. It wasn’t an exaggeration to say that he was the person who knew him best.

He was there for him when both his parents passed away, he was there for him when he was so sick he couldn’t move out of bed, he was there for him when he had no money and no shelter and most importantly he remained there for him when he was a dick to him. He was patient with his anger and manic outbursts.

So now here he was, on the way back home deliberating whether or not he should hear him out. ‘You owe him that at least’ rang through his head over and over again.

Did he? Did he owe Hendery anything?


	3. three.

As Xiaojun was getting ready for his date, Yangyang kept taking glances at him and smiling. It was the first time he ever saw his brother going out for something other than his work or grocery shopping. He was happy for him, but Xiaojun didn’t look happy at all. 

“You sure you’ll be alright alone?” Xiaojun asked as he was fixing his tie, his little brother rolled his eyes for what felt like the millionth time this night. “You know what? I’ll just call Lucas...and cancel. I can go out another time.” 

“Dude, I’ll be fine!” Yangyang sighed and pushed him off the couch when he sat next to him. “It’s not like this is the first time you leave me alone… unless there’s something else you’re worried about.” 

Yangyang looked at his brother for a few minutes as he fidgeted around trying to avoid him. Xiaojun was doing everything to not meet his brother’s gaze. “Come here!” Yangyang finally spoke. 

His older brother froze in his place and shook his head. “It’s-it’s fine, I’m just nervous... I haven’t dated in a while.” There was one thing Xiaojun was disgustingly awful at; it was lying. 

Yangyang knew him enough by now to know when he was lying. And he was. “Is this about that guy again?” The question was too sudden and out of nowhere for Xiaojun to fathom. “H-Hendery, right?” 

“Sort of.” His older brother finally sat down next to him after running around for the last nine minutes. “It’s complicated.” 

“You still love him, don’t you?” Yangyang asked and Xiaojun nodded immediately, with no second of hesitation. The boy sighed and then opened his arms for his older brother as they cuddled. “I’m not going to pretend that I know how your relationship was or how close you guys were. But I remember when I was young, I heard mom talking about him. She thought the world of him, didn’t she?” 

Xiaojun giggled as he remembered the memory. “She thought he’d be the one I’d marry.” When he came out to his parents, they were delighted that he came out to them with Hendery; his childhood friend. They loved him as if he was a son of theirs. Xiaojun even joked sometimes, how they loved him more than him. “Oh, she was so off-base.” 

“Maybe she wasn’t,” Yangyang spoke out. “I really think you should talk to him, like proper talk. Sit down and communicate this through. See for yourself if he deserves a second chance or not.” 

Before Xiaojun could say anything, his phone started ringing and Yangyang could read the name ‘Mr. Wong’ splashed on the screen. “Your date is here.” He shoved him off the couch as he dusted himself up. “Think about what I said.” 

“How come you’re so much wiser than me? I’m supposed to be the oldest.” Xiaojun laughed as he tied his shoes and started leaving. 

“The youngest, the most handsome and the smartest. The full package baby!” Yangyang cheered as his brother left the apartment laughing. 

Yangyang was now so intrigued to meet Hendery. When he was dating his brother when they were young, he was in boarding school. So he only met him once or twice, for like five seconds or less. He wasn’t that interested in Xiaojun’s life as well back then. 

He kind of regrets those days; the days filled with hatred, jealousy, and envy for his older brother. Now, he is the only person he has along with Renjun. And he is so thankful for him.

Hendery, on the other hand, was getting wine drunk in the middle of Kun’s studio. Kun got it after he graduated from university immediately, and it has been their sanctuary ever since. 

“Don’t you think you had enough of that?” Sicheng pointed at as he opened the second wine bottle.   
“You know I'm a heavyweight.” He stuttered on his words as he poured the wine into a coffee mug and chugged it all at once. Kun and Sicheng exchanged looks but didn’t do anything. 

Kun stopped painting whatever he has been working on for the past month and walked towards his friends who were laying on the big old sofa that smelled like cigarettes and cheese for some reason. 

He snatched the bottle from Hendery’s hand and took a sip. “Is this about a certain brown-haired, 5’8ish guy by any chance?”

Hendery snatched the bottle from his friend’s hand again and laughed. “It isn’t, you know why?” He paused to chug again on the wine. Sicheng was sitting there wondering how the hell, this guy hasn’t got alcohol poisoning yet.

“Oh yeah please, do enlighten me.” Kun sarcastically said, knowing this conversation is still heading towards Xiaojun. Ever since Hendery ran into him. He was the only thing he talked about, whether it was reminiscing on their memories, cursing himself for letting him go, or evil plots for getting him back. 

“Because I’m going to get him back.” The thought of them getting back together sent butterflies down Hendery’s stomach and spine. A feeling he hasn’t experienced in a while. 

“That’s something I never heard before.” Sicheng was the one this time to snatch the bottle from his hand. “You’ve literally been going on and on about this for the past month Hendery. Get your act together, or fucking drop it.”

“I-I’m going to do it...as soon as Jun talks to me. He won’t talk to me.” He said in an almost tearful tone that made Kun and Sicheng glance at each other again. Hendery leaned his head against the couch and his lids were getting heavier. 

Sicheng and Kun kept looking at him as he slowly fell asleep. He looked tired. And not the usual work tired, it was a type of tiredness, none of them had seen before.   
“We have to do something, we can’t just keep watching him do this to himself.” Sicheng finally spoke when he started hearing Hendery’s soft snores. 

“What do you want us to do?” Kun threw his hand in the air in anger and frustration. “Should we talk to Xiaojun?”. Suddenly the sound of the studio door sliding made them turn around, and none other than Xiaojun walked in. 

“I just had the worst date ever and I need-” He stopped in his place when his eyes fell on Hendery’s asleep body on the sofa. 

Kun and Sicheng shared another glance, this time a glance of confusion. It was almost one in the morning and Xiaojun rarely visited the studio. So they were confused, to say the least.

After an intense starring competition between the two, Kun took a breath and walked towards him. “Xiaojun are you okay? It’s kind of late.” He looked at his wrist leather watch. 

“I-I was on a date, and it…” He kept glancing at Hendery, he tried so hard to take his eyes off him. But ever since they were dating, wine drunk Hendery was his favorite Hendery. His cheeks were super pink and his pupils dilated. He was softer than usual. And cuter than usual. 

It was when Kun softly coughed that Xiaojun realized he was checking his ex-boyfriend out. He looked at him and shook his head. “Never mind, I’ll come back tomorrow.” 

“You don’t have to leave because he is here,” Sicheng shouted from across the room. Hendery was already drooling on the couch. “He is already asleep.” 

“Come on, it’s been a while.” Kun tried to drag him inside but he stopped. “He’s asleep, you won’t even notice he is here.” 

Xiaojun wasn’t scared of him, nor did he hate him that much. He was simply scared that being in the same room again with him would bring back old feelings, not that they haven’t already come back. 

Xiaojun sat across from Hendery. He stared at him, he was drooling like a baby and his ears were red as a tomato. His soft silky black hair was everywhere as he laid on the couch. He stared at him for a couple of minutes until Kun handed him a mug filled with red wine. 

He took it and whispered. “Fuck.” 

“Had a rough night?” Sicheng asked as he got closer to him. Xiaojun chugged on that drink like there was no tomorrow. 

“More like a rough life.” Xiaojun emptied the mug and handed it back to Kun. “I had a date tonight…” he stuttered. “He was really nice and cute and smart and hot, and everything you can want in a guy.” He talked rapidly that he almost choked on his breath. 

“What happened? Did he show up with his mom?” Kun joked trying to lighten up the mood as Hendery’s light snores filled the room. But it obviously wasn’t enough for Xiaojun to laugh. 

“I fucked it up.” He started pouring himself another drink. “Like I do to anything else… He started talking and all I could think about is this drooling snoring babbling piece of shit.” He pointed to Hendery and then chugged another drink. 

There was a small silence for a few minutes, as Hendery’s snores got louder and Xiaojun chuckled. “I’m still a fucking fool for him and he probably doesn’t even care.”

“Oh, he does!” Sicheng jumped so quickly he almost woke Hendery up. “What do you think he’s getting drunk for? He loves you dumbass, he never stopped. You guys just need to talk this out together.” 

“I agree with Sicheng, you both need to sit down like adults and talk this through. You owe each other that much.” Kun explained as he took the now-empty-bottle from his friend. “You went through hell after you guys broke up, nothing can change that. What you can change is the future, are you just going to continue living a miserable life?” 

“I think it’s worth a shot, Xiaojunnie.” Sicheng patted his back as he glanced again at Hendery who was now snoring loud enough for everyone to hear. 

Xiaojun ended up spending the night in the spacious studio room with Hendery taking up a whole couch by himself meanwhile Sicheng and Kun shared the small bed in the back. Leaving him on the other couch across Hendery. 

He kept tossing and turning for the first few minutes, as he tried to ignore facing Hendery. But when he did finally face him, he found peace in him. His chest was rising and falling in a rhythm. His mouth was slightly open and his soft snores filled the place. 

Xiaojun couldn’t help but smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u for coming back again to read this, I'm hopefully going to finish it soon i was just busy with my other au on twt, u can follow me there @jigglejun♥   
make sure to please tell me what do u think abt this fic in the comments, i love hear ur thought okay byye see u soon


	4. four.

When Xiaojun was standing in front of the unfamiliar big building, he couldn’t believe he was doing this himself. He had a lunch box in his right hand, that he spent all morning preparing and a stress ball in his other hand. He took a deep breath and whispered to himself. _‘He deserves this, we both deserve this.’_ and walked in.

As he entered the building, he was greeted by a security guard who pestered him with questions but as soon as he was done he let him go up. He didn’t know Hendery was this much of a big shot. He already knew he was a successful interior designer, but he didn’t know he had his own company. He was shocked when Kun told him. _‘I guess our breakup didn’t go to waste after all.’_ He thought to himself as he saw his ex-boyfriend’s name splattered in every corner of this luxurious building.

The last face he expected to see here, was Cathy Wong. So when the lift door was wide open and his eyes landed on a tall pale girl with black hair; both of them gapped. She out of nowhere grabbed his forearm and hugged him like she just a dead relative again. “Xiaojun!” She screamed as she hugged him.

If he was honest, Cathy was the closest one to him out of all Hendery’s sisters. She was close to their age and she wasn’t so judgemental. He hugged her back, he didn’t want to seem rude. But he also did kind of miss her cherry wine and her obnoxious laugh that filled their apartment during weekends.

When she finally had enough of hugging and kissing him, she pulled away and examined every inch of him. “You’ve changed, and I can’t say that it was for the better.” She raised her eyebrow.

“Gee, thanks.” He giggled as he scratched the back of his head.

“You know me, darling, I mean no harm. It’s just... you have gotten thinner and paler. I didn’t know it was possible to get any paler than this, but here you are.” She pointed at her pale face. “Are you here to see him?”

“I was hoping to…” Xiaojun smiled as he looked around, “But it looks like I have to make an appointment for that.”

Cathy scuffed at him and rolled her eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous! He’s going to be extremely happy that you’re here.” She said and started dragging the guy behind her. “He’s been going on about you for the past couple of weeks, it’s quite annoying actually. He’s too much of a coward to do anything about so I’m glad you’re here.”

She finally stopped in front of an office door and then smiled to Xiaojun. “You look ravishing darling, but I have a lunch date so I really can’t stay.”

“I was hoping you wouldn’t,” Xiaojun smirked at her, as she opened her mouth in surprise.

“So he’s not lost after all.” Cathy gave him two kisses on both cheeks and then waltzed away in the busy hallway. Xiaojun felt like a huge lump was in his throat, and his hands were getting too sweaty for his own good. Without any warning or encouragement from his inner voice. He found his voice knocking on the wooden door.

“Come on in.” a voice came from behind the door. _A voice too familiar_.

Xiaojun slowly opened the door and all the prep talk from Kun, Winwin, and Yangyang didn’t prepare him for the sight in front of him. Hendery was wearing a tight navy blue dress pants and a white rolled-up dress shirt that fit him in all the right places. But Xiaojun kept himself composed and knocked again on the door so Hendery can look up.

When he did look up, he stumbled on his own feet and almost fell to the ground which shattered whatever sexual fantasy Xiaojun was having. “X-Xiaojun..what’re...what are you doing here? A-are you okay?”’ He stuttered all over and then walked towards the guy.

“I’m fine. I just wanted to see you…” He spoke and looked at him affirmatively. “And talk perhaps, if you’re not busy.” Hendery looked at his full desk and then started cleaning all the papers immediately.

“Nope, not busy at all.” He said as he continued clearing his desk.

“Okay good. Because I made some chicken noodles. I hope you still like them.” Xiaojun said as he laid out the lunch box on the table, which made Hendery stop mid-air.

“You made a lunch box? For me?” He questioned and the guy in front of him suddenly started feeling embarrassed. The thought was weird and awkward, but he was sure he still has some feelings for Hendery and he wanted to sort it out.

“Don’t pride yourself! I made it for myself and now I’m sharing it with you.” He said as he handed him the spare chopstick and sat down opposite him. Hendery had a huge smug on his face which he chose to ignore because he knew exactly what he was thinking.

“You were never big on sharing food, Junnie!” Hendery commented waiting for him to take the first bite and then joined in after. It was delicious to say the least, no, delicious was an understatement. Or maybe it was because he didn’t have Xiaojun’s food for the past couple of years and now that he did; it felt nostalgic. He didn’t care, the noodles tasted like heaven and he didn’t want to think about anything else than the guy and the food in front of him.

“We need to talk,” Xiaojun announced, as Hendery stopped chewing and sat up straight. It was weird having him here, but what was even weirder is him being so chill around him all of a sudden. The last time he saw him, in the parking lot, he cussed the living shit out of him. And he looked as if...._he despised him_.

“I’ll do the talking, you shut up.” He stood up from his seat as Hendery observed amused.

“I wasn’t going to say anything.” He responded but was met with Xiaojun’s nervous glare. He missed him being angry at him, he missed teasing him, and most importantly he missed his nagging.

“Okay, so I’ve been doing some thinking…” Xiaojun finally looked up after pacing around the room for a few seconds. “Hell, I still don’t even know if I’m doing the right thing but I need to get this off my chest. Because I don’t want to be unhappy anymore.”

Hendery almost teared up at the last words, he couldn’t believe he was the source of Xiaojun’s sadness. The man, he swore to love and protect was unhappy because of him. It set his whole chest in flames. He held back his tears as he let the other man finish talking.

“I love you.” The words came out of Xiaojun’s mouth to set daggers into Hendery’s chest. It was like a whole new feeling filling his chest with guilt and pleasure. Xiaojun threw his arms in the air and sighed. “I’m still so fucking in love with you, it drives me insane.”

He wiped his tears and sat back again across Hendery, who was now hardly breathing. He put both his hands on his knees and smiled through the tears forming again in his eyes. “Sometimes, I’d like to believe that you still do too…”

“I do. I swear I do.” Hendery immediately jumped, which caused Xiaojun to smile lightly.

“Then how about this, we start all over again. It’s not going to be easy for me to forget about all the pain and trauma our breakup has caused me. But I want to forget, and start brand new. With you.” Xiaojun leaned back when he was done waiting for a response from Hendery. He crossed his legs and started drying his watery eyes.

“I’m so sorry…” He whispered, and then looked up at his ex-boyfriend. “I want to make you happy, that’s all I ever wanted to do. And just the thought of you…” He stopped mid-sentence to look out the window and looked back at Xiaojun. “Okay, dinner date tonight. I’ll pick you up.”

Xiaojun smirked and picked up his chopstick again to finish his lunch, “How about you come over and cook for us? I want you to have dinner with my brother.”

“Is he still an asshole?” Hendery joked as he started eating again too.

“Well, he’s still annoying that’s for sure, but he’s family.” He smiled. “Also, he hates you just a tiny bit so you have to repent.”

“Oh, he’s going to love me don’t worry. I’m charming.” He winked to which Xiaojun slightly blushed but tried to hide it as he looked down.

_“Whatever helps you sleep at night sweetheart.”_

**Author's Note:**

> hope you guys enjoyed this.  
when i first started planning this fic and writing it, it was supposed to be a one-shot only but now it's turning into a fic. It might be four or five chapters long, but they will be very long just like this one. So i really hope you comment down below and leave your opinions, feedback, and suggestions. 
> 
> thank you for reading


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